By Raoul Duke III
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Congressional hearings on steroid use in sports lurched into their 19th day Wednesday, highlighted by the dramatic testimony of Roger Clemens.
Clemens denied using steroids, provoking House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Chairman Henry Waxman to bang his gavel feverishly and shout "Heretic!" so loudly it reverberated off the walls.
"How on earth do you expect this ridiculous charade to keep going if you don't confess?!" Waxman barked to Clemens. "If this thing ever ends I may actually have to indict someone from the Bush administration, and that would make Rush Limbaugh yell at me. And I'm afraid of that."
Clemens, shaken by Waxman's outburst, began babbling incoherently about his wife, his nanny and the chemicals they "may or may not have" dropped in George Steinbrenner's drool cup.
Waxman interrupted Clemens and began droning on at length about Andy Petitte until he finally ran out of breath, at which time trainer Brian McNamee was brought to the stand. Waxman wasted no time getting to pointed, relevant questions.
"Did you inject Roger Clemens in the ass with steroids, or are you, in fact, a lying weasel?" Waxman asked.
"Yes, yes I did. And I enjoyed it, sir," McNamee responded.
"Well, we'll see about that," Waxman continued. "Because if you are a weasel, Mr. McNamee, I should know. I am part weasel myself, as you can see by looking at my face. I have a distateful weasel face, Mr. McNamee, and you know it!"
"Roger enjoyed it, too."
" ... you know what song plays when you crank a jack-in-the-box? Pop Goes the Weasel! That's me, the weasel! ... "
Waxman appeared content to go on with this inane banter until Sen. Arlen Specter burst into the room, dragging NFL commissioner Roger Goodell by the collar.
"Where are they?! Where are the tapes?!" the senator screamed.
Goodell, thrown to the floor by Specter, got up and approached the stand, where he said he would divulge the whereabouts of the infamous "Spygate" tapes as long as he could be allowed to throw Kelvin Sampson in jail.
"My sole purpose in life is to throw young black men in jail on specious grounds," Goodell said. "This is a cause I know to be very near and dear to the hearts of many in this room. Sampson may not be young, but I beseech you to afford me this important opportunity!"
Many in the committee then began to nod their heads and mumble in agreement until they realized that they had fully exhausted the day without doing a damn thing for the good of the country.
Former MLB star Jose Canseco was seen in the hallway after the hearings, where he held court with several reporters.
"Yeah, I know where the Spygate tapes are," he said. "I'm actually writing a book about it. $25.95. Hyperion Press. Send me an extra $10 for shipping and handling and I'll autograph it, and for $20 extra, I'll include a polaroid of me injecting steroids into the ass of one of 40 Major League All-Stars! Collect 'em all!"