Tuesday, June 19, 2007

The Cycle of Poverty Bicycle Race

The economy, for the vast majority of Americans, has gone completely into the shitter. That, in and of itself, is not news, at least not to anyone who's actually been paying attention (which, sadly, is less than a vast majority of Americans). But, it is a monumental achievement of the Reagan-Bush era, now more than a quarter-century old, to have pretty much completely fucked millions of people by locking them into a cycle of poverty. And every monumental achievement, no matter how unfortunate, deserves a celebration.
I have a great idea for a fitting tribute. Let's have an annual Cycle of Poverty Bicycle Race. Run it on some godforsaken Kentucky mountainside, so it can be all downhill, of course, and so that there will be steep cliffs on either side with no safety net - just like the economic fate of so many Americans. Those riders who fall off the cliffs will be transported via ambulance to the nearest emergency room, which will, upon learning they have no health insurance, refuse them service, so as to maximize the profits of the parent health corporation. Those who successfully navigate the course will receive great prizes ... I'm thinking gift certificates to Wal-Mart and McDonald's, pre-approved credit card offers which include no payments for six months, then a 14-day billing cycle with a 47 percent APR, stacks and stacks of "Self-Help" books, and maybe even a nice chunk of real estate between an abandoned coal mine and a contaminated creek somewhere in Harlan County. The first to cross the finish line wins the grand prize ... an immediate and thorough drug and steroid test, followed by a false positive result that will likely get them fired from their job, force them to pursue costly litigation and haunt their reputation for the rest of their days. The day will conclude with a reading of selected passages from the autobiographies of Lee Iacocca and Jack Welch and Reagan's personal diaries.
This will no doubt be a hoot and a great boon to all of us who support red-blooded Americanism. I'll go so far as to propose this happens every year on July 4. And what better year to start than next year, the election year that will hopefully prove to be the ultimate test of the Reagan-Bush policies. Let's show these bastards what the last 25 years have really been about! Let's start organizing this immediately ... get me Colleen on the phone at once!

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