Monday, July 2, 2007

Tampex, have I got a sponsorship opportunity for you!

After meeting the people who interviewed me for a job today, I began thinking, we need to have a way to recognize the world's biggest douches, like the Douche of the Year Award*. We're talking the worst of the worst in male behavior. The guys who put the "men" in "menstruate." We need to have a Bitch of the Year award, too, but I'm holding off on that until I get the proper inspiration. And to avoid taking a needless, unhealthy swipe at any and all of my exes. That, too.

So, I think it's on ... the 2007 Douche of the Year Award will be handed out here on TIME STOPS FOR NO ONE in December. I would say on December 31, to ensure no douche-like behavior goes unrecognized this year, but chances are I'll be drunk that day, as is New Year's tradition, if not the day before, too, so we'll just say sometime in December.

From time to time between now and the award presentation ceremony, we'll be nominating candidates. We might even have a cool bracket-style elimination round later on. You never know what you're going to get around here at TIME STOPS FOR NOTHING BUT SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOT ... er ... TIME STOPS FOR NO ONE!

So, our first nominee is ...

Dick Cheney. Of course. No recitation of the world's douches could possibly go on without mention of the man behind the curtain of the Bush Administration. But is he part of the Bush Administration? Is he part of Congress? Or is he, as Keith Olbermann said, a rogue nation that must be invaded, in order to establish a free and democratic Dick Cheney.

You know, even if we had blindly elected some person randomly named Dick Cheney, we could assume that, given Dick Cheney is most likely the nom de plume of a dominatrix, this person might get us mired in some pointless, resource-draining conflict. We wouldn't expect the person to be so pernicious, defiant and deviant. Unless we paid extra and asked her first with a "Mistress please ..."

*-As you might have guessed, that means if offered, I'm probably NOT going to take the job.

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