Playing pretend

In observance of the death of Marcel Marceau, I'll be typing the rest of this post on an imaginary keyboard. That just so happens to be in the same place as my actual keyboard. RIP Marcel, and art form you're inevitably taking six feet under with you.

Since I can't really do a "silent post," here's a blog that, instead of conveying meaning without a peep, is full of sound and fury but signifies nothing. In other words, time to check on my fantasy sports teams!

The Phlorida Phils, my baseball entry, crept to within five points of second place for the first time in recent memory this weekend, powered by the league's best pitching in terms of WHIP (1.21) and ERA (3.12) and one of two offenses atop the league with a .297 batting average. All of this despite the fact I inherited the team in August after its previous owner had neglected it, scuttling any chances it had in the home run and RBI categories. It helps when you can pick up Moises Alou as a free agent and watch him go on a team-record 27-game hitting streak ... but it would have behooved me not to drop Scott Baker five days before he took a perfect game into the ninth for the Twins. All in all I'm satisfied with the way this team has performed as well as my ability not to let it take over my life and become the subject of multiple blog p ... ah, never mind. At least I can say I'll still be happy if Billy Wagner blows a save in every game this week, enabling the Phillies to qualify for the playoffs but dropping me into a fourth place. I can say that, indeed. Actually feeling that way? Let's just hope I'm not put in that position.

It's much easier in the NFL, where my allegiance to the Eagles isn't nearly as strong and I can root for my Rural Virginia Pit Bulls with impunity. The Pitties were the beneficiaries of a combined 235 receiving yards for Terrell Owens and Jason Witten on Sunday night, not to mention 15 fantasy points from LaDainian Tomlinson, whom I acquired in a highway robbery of a trade with the last-place team in the league. Normally, a league commissioner would block such a move, but since the commish happened to be my trading partner, I was able to dump the Chargers' D (seven fantasy points) and Frank Gore (four points) for one of the all-time great fantasy scorers. Considering I also swapped Marc Bulger, who delivered a devastating -4.5-point performance, for Matt Hasselbeck, who led my team with 20 points this week, teams might be a little reluctant to trade with me for the rest of the season, but that's OK. Unless Mike Shanahan becomes coach of the Chargers at some point this year I should be in good shape.

Now call me a fantasy geek if you will, but mind you, there are several media celebrities in both my fantasy leagues, including this one, whose team gave the Pit Bulls their only loss of the year. No, not famed Britney Spears apologist Chris Crocker, and for that matter not Atlanta Falcons safety Chris Crocker, either. I'm referring to the AP reporter who wrote the story. With clenched teeth and bitten tongue the entire time, I'm certain. (Although I'm told he's more put-together than you'd think.) Perhaps this revelation will help ease the mind of another friend, who's doing a story on the O.J. mess this week. I get the feeling I'll be recognizing a few faces on E! and Court TV before long. Sort of like knowing both Greg Kinnear and Greta Van Susteren in 1994.