If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you know that I have been looking for gainful permanent employment for quite some time now. Close to six months, as a matter of fact. Over this time, I've written a hell of a lot of cover letters. Most of them mention that I was on the cover of The Washington Post last year, that I graduated fourth in my class, and all those kinds of self-congratulatory stuff you're probably tired of me mentioning by now. I also mention my eagerness to work for the company and innovate in my field.
Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to be working very well. I think companies are afraid I'll demand too much money. I've thought about adding a mention of the pink letters I've been getting from the power company and the negative bank balance, but I think that comes off as too needy and desperate. No one wants to hire a succubus.
So I've decided to take an entirely different approach with my cover letters from now on. I've noticed that a lot of the people with high-paying jobs tend to be dumber, less productive and bigger jerks with clientele than I am. I'm not saying this is a bad thing ... hey, if we didn't give stupid, lazy, arrogant people a way to earn money, who would buy up all the SUVs? The auto industry would go bankrupt, the economy would go even farther south, and then we'd all be in the streets.
I think what I need to do is to characterize myself as just the sort of person who can fit in with the rest of the workforce of America. After all, corporations don't want mavericks and people who can think for themselves ... they want people who'll go with the flow and stay in line. So here's a sample letter I think might be able to get a response:
To Whom It May Concern:
Hiya. My name is Chuck, and I noticed you have a job ad for a Web site content writer up on Monster.com. I decided I would take a moment to click away from the porn video I had running in another window to take a look. It seems interesting, although I have to admit, I don't really have much experience browsing Web sites that don't have at least one naked lady on them. I trust you're open to my ideas for adding subtle, classy nudes to everything from high school home pages to knitting club discussion forums.
I'm truly committed to the idea that there's a place for porn everywhere, and not just in Uncle Ned's basement. In fact, I've spent years studying the intracacies of porn and its marketability. I learned to masturbate as a small child of 4 through independent study, and my high school GPA of 1.8 reflects my commitment to the thrice-daily studies of the finest smut magazines, videos and books. I spent two semesters at Northeast State Technical Community College because of its relatively high-percentage of female enrollees and lax academic standards, perfect for some "independent study," as I call it.
I dropped out after the Internet was invented in 1996 to focus my attention on the burgeoning Web porn industry. I spent the next 10 years in my room, closely examining every dirty Web site I could find. I only came out for meals, computer hardware upgrades and to receive the penis pump I ordered from an e-mail I received from a Mr. Bo0b St99n-o9d.
Let me assure you, Sir or Madam, that I know what kind of content makes for a good Web site and what doesn't. My only compensation requirements are that I make enough to cover my 457 monthly recurring porn site memberships and that Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, et al. are covered on the employee prescription drug plan. And that breast augmentation surgery for my spouse is covered as well.
I look forward to a long, fruitful and not-at-all-awkward relationship with your company. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go see what Mona Lott is doing on her Web cam.
So, what do you think? A couple letters like this, and I'll bet you lucrative offers start pouring in. Or I get arrested and have my hard drive seized by the FBI. One or the other.